I'M NOT JUST SAYING

the other night i rode my bike uptown like we did last june.

past the closed library and through the empty main street

bike tires crunching on old asphalt / gliding over the yellow lines of empty parking spaces.

the air is thick and warm

and the feelings and smells of wheat harvest drift around. 

i didn't turn down that street 

like we used to.

( i didn't pull up on the driveway

and sit on the back patio with the dogs.

i didn't slip in the back door 

into the little air conditioned house.

i didn't grab a lemon oreo from the jar

or a swig of raspberry lemonade from a red cup. )

that little house holds someone else now. 

( this town never held any of us for long )

but last june and july

i remember thinking

i could get used to this.

and i think i did.

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PRONE TO WANDER LORD I FEEL IT

'i'm going to live forever' he shouts over and over
dashing back and fourth across the street in the howling wind.
his arms are stretched wide, denim jacket flapping open.
i am hanging back, teetering on the curb
i shake my head and smile on impulse. a real smile, unstoppable.
~

the days are so much warmer now
 characterized by the sudden attention of the afternoon sun
and longer evenings and cool mornings.
there is something stirring and growing in my chest.
and something soothing comes with long talks with her.
(and to understand and help each other understand.)
we linger at the deserted playground
almost a metaphor of our deserted childhood years.
not really fitting in
but comfortable
(and almost not wanting to leave).
visiting memories and talking of old dreams
and the things we dream of now.
the wind tosses our hair and tugs at our clothes
just as responsibilities tug at the fringes of our minds.

for now i cherish the time to just be.
to be here, to still have time to choose, and to explore it all.
so many things tug at me (just like the wind)
tug at my heart and soul and mind.
(it is a job to keep it stayed on Him)


(the photos in my last three posts aren't visible for some reason.
*cries*
and for that i am sorry)

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NEW

before i cut my hair;
i set pin-curls one last time,
and used kool-aid to dye a strand of it green
(tucked quietly away against the back of my neck).
it was my birthday,
i wore a dress and new shoes out in the cold, cold wind.
we drive the frozen dirt road
 to a bridge over the interstate,
get out and try to make pictures of the road and the cars,
try not to slip on the ice,
try to not blow away in the wind.

my hair is shorter now
(the soft green now long faded).
the sun shines gold, the wind doesn't blow as cold.
time runs together and rosy days stand out.
music is played and new songs are learned
but the old ones aren't forgotten.

there is so much new
in this new year.
and this girl ran to the new year with open arms,
abandoning the skidding brakes/bittersweet nostalgia.

and i'm loving it.

(p.s. speaking of  'new' and 'changes', i've been spiffing this place up a bit in my spare time, have a look around!)

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mod christmas

bargain sweater dresses
made in modern days
but holding a vintage charm
and a festive air.
a slow, quiet and cold day ,
with more than just snow clouds on the horizon:
rest from busy days,
a chance to slow down
a chance to look around.
a pile of books, 

a neglected fabric stash.

i've unpacked the banjo,

dusted the lonely keyboard

and am diving into a treasure trove of music

with new shoes for new adventures
( merry christmas, hope yours was rad )

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ode to an october dress

(pattern: simplicity [new look] 0981)

each season and each month is a different color in my mind

and each color a feeling.

october seemed to slip away quietly 

and suddenly i'm here in november

still feeling like it's the beginning of fall

but the wind blows rough

 ripping the vibrant leaves away from their branches.

 i am just now getting around to it

but i made a dress in the ending of september

for all of fall, but mostly october.

and now with this dress (as with others past)

when i see or wear it

it's threads bring to mind the colors and feelings

which bring to mind memories of october 2015.

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we don't know what we have until it's gone

and youth is wasted on the young, it's true.

"yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. 

you are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away."

(James 4:14)

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