there was a time last week
when i was down with a cold
i could barely breathe
and just wanted to lay in bed between the soft sheets with hot tea
(except that i don't really like tea, just the idea of it).
during this time
music and i somehow reconnected.
September was hard.
i loved it
but there was also a distant disappointment with myself.
a quiet nagging of distrust in myself over my music.
it wasn't perfect
i was under criticism
and i was trying to do things like everyone else.
i finally came to terms that:
some things are just much easier my way.
that even if it seems strange on the outside
this is how it works with my brain
this is how i get it to sound like this.
october hit and i began to understand this more.
it was like a burden had been lifted.
it sounds simple enough
but it's actually hard.
one of my worst enemies is myself.
and then last week and into this one
i feel whole again.
every once in a while
there is a song.
a song that i cannot live without playing every few minutes.
a song i hear somewhere, maybe online.
one that gets stuck in my head
attached to my heart.
and i play it.
it's not practicing;
i'm in love.
i play and play until i am lost.
i do not have to think about where to put my fingers.
the motions and patterns are memorized.
it is become as much of me as my hair or toenails.
i stand in front of the mirror and watch my hands move
and fingers pick.
it is though i am seeing someone else.
my mind wanders
i am not talented one little bit.
it is God who gives me the desire to learn and play.
the notes around and fill the room.
sometimes i play it so much i can't even hear the melody
(like when you say a word over and over
until it is just the sound and you forget what it means)
and all i can feel is the comfortable weight on my shoulders
thumb against wood
finger tips sliding and pressing wound strings.
and my soul is happy and free
even though there are things that need to be done
i am content to play this over and over without stopping.